Cat Haiku...

Roxie Rules the Realm
She's Just Knocked Over Sam's Tree-
Snow Men Every Where

Run and hide yourself well, Roxie - the Duchess will Not be happy with you when she finds out.

Maybe she won't!
Thank goodness for CVS and super glue.

Quiet...

really quiet, my house, right now - all of the machines stopped whirring at the same time - strange, given the number of two-legged and four-legged occupants usually pounding around and splitting plaster from my ceiling and knocking pinecones and ornaments from the Christmas trees. Strange - like every other day this week - today, my favorite all-around good guy, eighth grade ELA teacher extraordinaire, gay but built like Adonis friend blew his stack. Spilled over, actually, from yesterday. UnBeLievable. Apparently the atmosphere at school is not just frustrating/confusing/pissing off the new people, but the very rocks that this institution has been built upon for the past six years. The best of the best have had it. They're dropping like flies...leaving. My friend put it bluntly, "Something has to be done, now, we're hemorrhaging." I do not want these teachers to leave, but I have no say. I do not want inconsistent discipline handed down from on high, but I have no say. I think there are too many indian chiefs and, here, I do have a say. I am going to stay safely in my classroom, leading my troops through the battle. Here I was trying to stay off of the radar screen - now I'm praying I dodge the bullets - or the arrows, or whatever the hell it is that's getting thrown around. This can't be normal...

Ok...

so I'm feeling totally conflicted. As I sit here typing this, I am relaxed - knowing that I am prepared for tomorrow - the rest of the week actually, but not for the reasons you'd think. The curriculum coordinator was asked by our superintendent to meet with me one hour a week for four weeks to lesson plan. A decision I sought - though not as vigorously as I could have for fear of appearing incapable - and one that I relish. Somehow this has now morphed in to this incredibly intelligent, long-standing educator teaching my classes - all day, everyday, apparently for the next three weeks. Here's the conflict: I want this - I need this - not having progressed through the traditional student-teacher model of educator preparedness and all, BUT, I do not believe this individual likes kids - in fact, I've observed his downright loathing of them. After speaking with several of my colleagues, I have learned that he left the classroom, twice, over the past two years. The reasons were unabashedly offered and, quite frankly, hold no interest for me, but as I sat in my mentee position the pain in my head increased exponentially throughout the afternoon. This educator operates from a position of fear and intimidation - I can't help but personalize some of the comments - yes, comments - many of them, all day - as insidious underminings (let's just live with this word for now) of what I have been doing for the past four months. Getting past the ego bit, however, the bottom line is I cannot, no - will not, speak to my students - my 7th graders - in what seems to be the pervasive tone of this school, exclusive of my superintendent and principal - militant barking. I certainly have no intention of embracing their attention via explosive outbursts. If this is what these students need, what shot do I have? I can only imagine the Monday I will be left to deal with after my esteemed colleague moves on to his next project. What happened to effectiveness on low volume?

Sleighbells ring...

are you listenin'?

Shining stars...

my students, each and every one of them. D. with the flashpoint temper and beautiful eyes. A. with handwriting so neat and soooo small, just the way she is. C. with the inability to print, but a wealth of ideas to share and talk about.  S. who can hardly remain in his seat, yet always seems to produce quality work when you least expect it. C. who is so lost and unguided that he must be as scared of himself as he has made his peers of him. M. who sits in the veryvery front so that when she speaks I can barely hear her, but when she dances..oh, when she dances she's larger than life. In school today, with the balance of your peers, and not with me thanks to a lingering cough that has me plain worn out. Listen today - stay in your seats - do your work - believe in yourselves - I've got my eyes on you !!

Prepare for Monday...

Pray for Snow. My new mantra. Never in my life have I been so grateful for an ice storm on a Sunday evening. The thought of spending the day at home, warm and cozy, reading or writing or watching a movie, has never held the special significance that it now does given my foray into middle school education. Over the past several weeks I have begun to get into a real rhythm within my ninety minute block - silent minute, then 10 minutes of reading the class novel (currently "Hoot"), next Grammar - two sentences of the week's Daily Oral Language skill and ten minutes of practice. What is supposed to follow is 25 minutes of a writing prompt or a writer's workshop, but I just can't seem to get my urban students to attend to this task successfully. They would rather talk, dance, sing, talk to the outlet, go to the bathroom - bubbler - nurse or get thrown out of class, talk... They have quickly learned that I tolerate very little of all of the above except for the talking - teacher-led, of course. We then have a break wherein I check their daily agendas for parental signatures (less than 25% success here) and entry of homework assignment(s) - almost 100% here. Our last 40 minutes consists of vocabulary and reading - whatever the unit may be - currently: House on Mango Street (L.O.V.E. this novel !!!) Bottom line - They Do Not Want To Work. They would rather be Told what to do, Read to, or Other. My heart goes out to these children - they do not appreciate structure - they fear it, challenge it, break it. What they know is exactly the opposite - many of my students do not know who is going to be home at 3:30, let alone in a week or a month. I am wrestling with "Do I want to be there for these kids who only have school to keep them safe?" vs. "Do I want to be in a classroom with supportive families in order that I may hone this craft called teaching?" I'm afraid I may be leaning toward the latter.

One day at a time, I suppose.

Beautiful...

simply that.

Just finished...

my first SLC's - report cards in laymen's terms. I am impressed by the overall sense I've had of all of my students - their mastery of content grades are right where I believed they would be given my independent observations in class coupled with how their work has been progressing. I really ride up and down with these kids - this past Tuesday I Could Not Wait to come home for a five day break and now I'm getting excited to return on Monday. Pretty cool. Happy Holidays to all.

Did I ever mention how I feel about...

roller coasters? Love 'em, hate 'em, I just Have to be in the Front. Since starting to teach two months ago (it's only been two months?) I have not stepped off my own personal coaster. I think I've figured it out and then...BAM...I'm back to feeling as though I'm on information overload and none of it is coming out for the benefit of my kids. Adjusting to "office politics" is also rather unpleasant. I am a strong believer, and supporter, of my administration - They are dedicated, intelligent, creative people - and to put it bluntly, really nice to boot - and I continuously hear griping and bemoaning about almost every single step they take - it's ridiculous. Now to know me is to understand that I am an extremely opinionated individual, and for the most part, twenty years of practicing law did very little to curb my enthusiasm for putting it out there and getting to the core of the issue. Well some of these teachers top any attitude adjustment that I ever needed - and they're half my age. I realize that I knew everything until I was thirty, and apparently these individuals harbor the same belief. They Are Awesome at identifying problems, they pick Every Single Battle, but when it comes to discussing/proffering solutions they're gone - doing whatever it is they're doing that has them so p'd-off at our administration for "putting too much stress on them" and suffering from "what more do they expect me to do?" I actually had a conversation yesterday wherein I was told "this is the process, it's our job to assist with your lesson planning" to "you should have felt restricted by [our administrator] coming into class" and offering assistance (directly and indirectly - it was wonderful by the way.) IRONY - I relish the support and suggestions - it is what a new teacher needs and benefits from - but when one asks these certain individuals for guidance they look at you as though you should be sweeping sidewalks. I've decided - this is their issue, not mine. They need a dose of confidence and positivity. I will not be brought down - I am a professional - notwithstanding a preaching one at the moment, but I'm getting over it - we've got a soccer game at 2 !!! Go Life - Go Rachel - Go Sox !!!!!!!!!

My confidence is blossoming...

You couldn't have paid me to believe this just four short weeks ago. I am slowly allowing myself to BE myself - trying to teach Just Like Somebody Else didn't work when that somebody else wasn't inside my head. Every now and again one particular teacher will come into my room to do something - I'm not really sure if it's observing, or helping, or "other," and my chi gets thrown all out of whack. NO, my students' chi-s get thrown all out of whack. This particular individual is super good at what she does, but her style is the polar opposite of mine and it shuts down my class because it's coming out of left field in MY classroom. I'm rolling with this, however, because a lot of what I've learned from my conversations with her has been so beneficial in helping me get to this point. I will not risk losing this resource so I will embrace it... and speaking of - To my friend who advised that I "embrace the authority that goes along with my position," THANK YOU. Man are those words now making sense. I can do this - and to prove it, I'm about to go and write this week's kick-butt Writing Workshop Lesson Plan - gotta love descriptive writing !!

Three Days in the Berkshires...

with 54 seventh graders, hiking, climbing, dancing, sharing sleeping quarters, earns major credibility points. This past week I was no longer the new English teacher, but the cool English teacher. Once I hit 'em up with actual curriculum this coming week I anticipate the loss of this status. It was nice while it lasted :) Now... if I can only figure out what happened to my iPhoto automatically opening when I select browse in order to upload some corresponding photos, I'll be back in business.

"In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted." (Bertrand Arthur William Russell, 1872-1970)

What a month...

I am no longer a brand new high school english teacher - yep, I've done it, I've taken the plunge - into middle school. Out of nowhere, on the day we returned from an awesome week in the Vermont mountains, I had an email waiting - formally offering me a position as the new 7th grade ELA teacher at a K-8 school in my county. Without hesitating, for fear I would get into something I wasn't sure I was ready for, I respectfully declined letting the superintendent know that I'd already entered into a contract with another school, made some headway and owed the current school the fairness of hanging in there - notwithstanding that middle school (8th grade actually) was always my first choice. She didn't go away. We entered into a week long dialogue and, amazingly, all of my requests were met. The first week of August I went through a week of new teacher training and met a dozen others all entering the school as new teachers, teacher aides or other staff. Next was a solid week of all-faculty-professional development - here I met all of the teachers that I would be working with on a daily basis in the J.A. as well as the other houses. I was ready to rock. School started August 22nd and ..... My Head Just Stopped Spinning. HOLY SMACK - I was not ready for Any of this. The inner-city heterogeneous population I get..the surging hormones of 11/12/13 year-olds I get..the smallest room in the building with pubescents literally sitting within inches of each other I get (and I'm really okay with this at the moment - if the room were any larger I'm afraid I would actually be overwhelmed by covering the wall space to please some faction or another)...the curriculum framework I get. Ready? WHAT I CANNOT BELIEVE is the fact that I have to put together 90 minutes of lessons, everyday, for the next 190-plus days with absolutely no roadmap except my textbooks (one reading, one writing), the internet (way too much information at the moment) and my own creativity. I'm feeling like this sucks. But I want this to work. God Bless my husband - but for him, I would be hiding under my tomato garden. I'm going to make every effort to blog at least weekly - more if the moment strikes me to purge, share or procrastinate. ALL AND ANY LESSON PLANS WILL BE GLADLY STOLEN WITH PROPER CREDIT GIVEN. Keep me in your prayers. A

“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.” Brittany Renée

I did it...Part II

Persistence really does pay off - and a lot of self-help via google and the internet. I have learned how to insert a link into this blog (see previous post - Kal's a constant source of inspiration - Go See Her Blog, You'll See.) Yay for me.

I've also learned that I've got my own classroom - Room 227 - on the second floor with the majority of the English faculty which means if I need resuscitation during our twenty minute lunch period they will all be free to breathe with me. This is a good thing B.E.C.A.U.S.E. I have also been given my class assignments - two tenth grade level ones, one twelfth grade level one and two twelfth grade level twos, one being an inclusion class. My understanding is I may have an aide for my inclusion class and an extra prep period every other day..for reflection?? I'm ready - let's bring it on.

I did it...

My " 'I am grateful for' list, times 46" is done. And I promise to post it as soon as I can sit down long enough to type it. In the meantime, I wrote these three things about me at the prompting of one of my favorite artists from Canada. Her name is Kal Barteski and her gift is G.O.O.D. Thank you, Kal !!!
1. - I trust - I trust my friends, my family, to do the right thing - to understand - to be there.
2. - I live - outloud - I can laugh myself to tears when life is funny and cry when it hurts.. I have a flaming red temper, when necessary and, unfortunately, occasionally, when it isn't necessary - my home is filled with the color green - bright and bold and in abundance - No Pastels.
3. - I share - my thoughts and ideas and photos and stories and opinions - I share my heart, my time..there's always room at my dinner table.
If you are here, try this. It feels Awesome.

July 5...

is, has always and forever will be my birthday. As I was so lucky to spend the entire day and night in New York City with one of my best-est girlfriends, I've decided to think about all that I am grateful for, times 46.. Pics and post coming soon. Here's to being Happy.

This morning I read...

Ali Edwards' blog about Miksang - a style of photography that gets one looking - no, seeing - what pieces make up the whole that is us - today - all around. Perceiving - discerning - no good, no bad - just "is." It got me thinking about my present Is. It is patently obvious that I am a brand new English teacher - I've told everybody at every opportunity. I am also an attorney - making a career change after nineteen years and to say that I am not apprehensive would be an understatement. I'm torn between hitting the ground running and never looking back and being practical and safe. I don't want to be safe. I want to throw it all in and go for it - and I will. But I can't - just yet. I have too many responsibilities and obligations - and I'm okay with this. I just want to know when I will get to a place of confident acceptance. I've never been there - I'm confident...I'm accepting...but rarely at the same time - I'm always thinking three, five, ten steps ahead - how I can change this and that to make it better, smoother, easier, cleaner, more understandable. I've got lots of goals and ideas and a bazillion paths before me to go down to get there. I've even changed the template of this blog more times than I can count and I've only been posting for a few weeks. I want it quirky - with a simple style all its own, but with a message, a point, an objective. Hmm - see a consistent life theme developing here? Today - this week - I am going to practice what I often tell my girls - one step at a time...at least I'll be moving forward. This, I can confidently accept.

The most precious gift...

we can offer others is our presence. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Just wondering how...

he sees the world.

Last Day of School...

for my soon to be English faculty peers. Twelve exhausted and excited high school teachers gathered at our department chair's house to celebrate the end of another long and challenging year - and to allow me to get to know each of them individually. Our ages range from early twenties to sixty-plus - some have been teaching only two years while others more than thirty - but all were eager to share their stories from this past year with humor and, for sure, a healthy dose of relief. What a blessing for me to have been afforded this opportunity to begin a new career surrounded by such a diverse and intense set of professionals - and though I fully appreciate that Summer's respite is necessary to recharge, I'm so ready for August!
Giving time its due, we ended the day fishin' -
- and he says looking skyward "Hmm, yep, that would be the bobber" as she smiles...

Straightened Out...

and flyin' right...
I'm just getting started and already I'm hearing refrains
of neglect...Being wanted - feeling needed - life is ducky.

Brand new...

blogger, English teacher, and baby chicks at our house. Here's to praying that at least the teaching gets going in the right direction...